Social Awkwardness and Fear of Rejection
As I've been studying in my school for already a month, I've experienced a lot of things already. I must say, I had a hard time socialising and making friends. I'm that type of person who stays in her house and read books, listen to music or watch movies rather than hanging out with her friends. But I've tried to terminate that habit. I took the initiative to approach others (which wasn't exactly approaches) and I tried to smile as much as I can. I can't help but admit that my aunt says my smiles look fake at times; and she thinks my fake smiles are the reason why I don't have a best friend in school. Okay, I've become desperate in making friends that I get to not listen to what the teacher is saying because I'm always daydreaming about things. So, as the legacy, I tend to forget to bring appointed things so I get given a bad score. Which is totally a no-no 'cause my family and relatives are expecting so much from me. I tried to search many websites about acting in accordance to social norms and being genuinely friendly. They just don't have an effect no matter how many times I've tried to make it have an effect on me. I just get to make the steps an obligation which feels like I have to carry an excessive baggage which is stressful.
In all honesty, my classmates and teachers are pleasant. There aren't any bullies, thankfully. As I've tried to search the traits of a socially awkward person, I fit the depiction. But the people still try to socialise with me even with my case. I gratefully have friends and they are great. But before I actually get to have one, I was so self-conscious which people think was annoying and I had a fear of being rejected, and to be frank, I haven't got rid of them 100% even until now. I'm afraid to volunteer at things because I fear I might just get ridiculed and yes, rejected. I don't want the negative feeling of being rejected lurking in my heart. I want to get accepted according to standards and I want to fit in. And like in my previous blog, I don't want to labelled a 'weird' girl which I think is actually my label to people right now. I've been so clumsy, I get to step on unwanted things, I trip, I slide, I get hit in the face and just etcetera. One classmate of mine actually asked what was my problem. And as I have no choice, I just laughed like it was a joke to avoid further embarrassment. I want to make things different now, I want to be socially intelligent and always ready for rejections; 'cause if I keep being like this I'm afraid my social life will be a disaster. And to make this difference, I need to make changes for a better self.
In all honesty, my classmates and teachers are pleasant. There aren't any bullies, thankfully. As I've tried to search the traits of a socially awkward person, I fit the depiction. But the people still try to socialise with me even with my case. I gratefully have friends and they are great. But before I actually get to have one, I was so self-conscious which people think was annoying and I had a fear of being rejected, and to be frank, I haven't got rid of them 100% even until now. I'm afraid to volunteer at things because I fear I might just get ridiculed and yes, rejected. I don't want the negative feeling of being rejected lurking in my heart. I want to get accepted according to standards and I want to fit in. And like in my previous blog, I don't want to labelled a 'weird' girl which I think is actually my label to people right now. I've been so clumsy, I get to step on unwanted things, I trip, I slide, I get hit in the face and just etcetera. One classmate of mine actually asked what was my problem. And as I have no choice, I just laughed like it was a joke to avoid further embarrassment. I want to make things different now, I want to be socially intelligent and always ready for rejections; 'cause if I keep being like this I'm afraid my social life will be a disaster. And to make this difference, I need to make changes for a better self.
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