My Experience with Perfectionism

My mind is right now bombarded with interesting thoughts. In my perspective, perfectionism means two things:

• being egocentric
• having low self-esteem

By being egocentric, you believe you have the right to be flawless in everything you can think of; you strive to be good at cooking, you strive to be good at fucking sports, you strive to be gorgeous and turn heads with your bikini body and you strive to be remarkably intelligent, and then there's the downside: low self-esteem. You may be wondering why I'm emphasising lack of confidence. If you struggle with perfectionism, there's a higher probability you're also lacking in self-love department. You believe that if you're not good at something you really want to be exceptional at, you are a fucking worthless loser. You're always in self-battle of thinking you're not good enough. If you seem captivated by fashion you don't have the courage to doll up because you think you're not pretty and thin enough. If you're into sports, you don't take risk to play knowing in your mind you have problems with speed and coordination. You're always afraid to fail. Because if you fail, you don't get the attention and love you think you deserve if only you possess those qualities that won't make your mind rest thinking about them.

Ever since I was young, I always put criticisms close to my heart. I've got those people to blame insulting me that I'm fatter than my mother that's why I'm in this state of suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Oh that horrendous dieting. I love food so don't put me on hunger strike. I miss my younger days not having to worry about having nice legs and unrealistic skin. People told me that I suck at dancing and I worked hard for three years just to practise those body rolls. People told me that I act like a snobby aristocrat when I eat and ever since that day I hate eating in public thinking the strangers around me judge the way I eat. People told me I look like I'm walking down the runway or an astronaut walking on the moon when I walk that I always feel discomfort whenever I go outside my house. I'm so afraid of people not accepting me for who I am and laughing at me behind my back or at my face. All throughout my life I've always been determined to look and act like somebody else. Whenever I fail to do so, I overthink a lot. I tend to sloppily do any assigned tasks and then I would get further mocked for the way I act. One time I had a phase of being terrified to live and die that I have no idea where I'm possibly going. I felt that people around me would be happier and have less complicated lives if I don't exist. I don't like the idea of sharing my feelings to my loved ones for fear of them being tired from my trifling words and not care for me anymore.

I'm in such a dilemma of choosing to accept myself or live a life endlessly striving for perfection.