The Outside World and Mental Health
The outside world for me is a scary place. I think of it as another dimension in living with people who are almost always more sociable, smarter and better looking. That every action I make in taking part in something I'm not knowledgeable about will just make me regret that I did. Then I will feel stupid and frustrated afterwards. Being a person who lived her younger years being literally alone, what you feel when you're supposedly to enter a dense jungle with the wild animals lurking in the darkness is what I also feel just being with another human being I do not know that well. Common sense is always an expectation. You should know how to boil an egg this and that, how to sweep the floor especially as you're a girl and if you don't know how then you are such a clueless princess. That I should immediately know how to be a people-expert just going out of my comfort zone which is hermit mode. I will be damned because I'm such a bitch and I don't even know what a bitch is. They will endlessly sneer at you and here I am always overthinking that I'm only good at impractical things. Like I know how to create and customise a blog but I'm clueless about opening a can with a can opener. It's a case other people take for granted because they're oh-so smart.
I grew up believing and thinking that mental illness is something you only experience when you're a weak-minded person. You shouldn't talk about it and let alone go to therapy to cure it. That it's just a phase in your life and you'll grow out of it and become a successful and responsible adult. That if you feel insecure it's because you still haven't practised confidence enough. That time will be the answer. But what if you still feel your catapulting heart just walking in front of other people and you've done it many times already? What if you wash your hands twenty times a day? Is that considered normal? What if you always follow a pattern in everything you do? What if you're scared of everyday living coming up with the worst thing that could happen to you? It's so absurd that when you're in physical pain, people will always come to your aid. On the contrary when you're physically healthy but have struggles with your being they will just laugh at you and pat you on the back and tell you that you will get over it. Then you'll have a breakdown and won't go to school and talk to anyone. You'll throw your pillows on the floor and have a huge crying fit. Then you'll just wish to not exist in this normal world with normal people doing normal things.
I grew up believing and thinking that mental illness is something you only experience when you're a weak-minded person. You shouldn't talk about it and let alone go to therapy to cure it. That it's just a phase in your life and you'll grow out of it and become a successful and responsible adult. That if you feel insecure it's because you still haven't practised confidence enough. That time will be the answer. But what if you still feel your catapulting heart just walking in front of other people and you've done it many times already? What if you wash your hands twenty times a day? Is that considered normal? What if you always follow a pattern in everything you do? What if you're scared of everyday living coming up with the worst thing that could happen to you? It's so absurd that when you're in physical pain, people will always come to your aid. On the contrary when you're physically healthy but have struggles with your being they will just laugh at you and pat you on the back and tell you that you will get over it. Then you'll have a breakdown and won't go to school and talk to anyone. You'll throw your pillows on the floor and have a huge crying fit. Then you'll just wish to not exist in this normal world with normal people doing normal things.
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